How we feel after being rejected, left out, or outwardly turned away by someone, no matter what type of relationship it was, surely is not a good feeling. We all have a need for belonging. When that need is no longer fulfilled, we certainly can feel traumatized.
In the beloved Christmas show, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph and Hermie, and even toys, are called ‘misfits’. They all are excluded from doing things that others do. But, they find their own way. They become a hero, a dentist, and find a place to belong.
Rejection can bring feelings of grief due to our loss, sadness, or shame from no longer being accepted by another person. When we’re younger, feeling rejected by our peers can cause us to suffer tremendously, bringing up feelings of anxiety and self-loathing.
Being and feeling rejected can lead to being further afraid of rejection. It can bring us to a place where we try to avoid it. We may isolate ourselves, or hold back from making connections with others because we’re afraid of more rejection.
Rejection trauma leaves us feeling like we do not belong anywhere, and we tend to behave in ways that cause us to be rejected by those we know in the present. Living with rejection trauma may seem to be impossible to overcome, yet here are six methods that can help.
Acknowledge and Recognize the Trauma. If you experienced childhood trauma, you may have spent many years minimizing what happened, pretending it didn’t happen. This most often leads to feelings of guilt and self-blame. To heal, we must acknowledge that a traumatic rejection happened to us in childhood, and that we were in no way responsible for it.
Learn to Let Go and to Accept What Happened. Accepting what happened to you does not mean you agree with it. Acceptance means deciding to face what happened. It means not allowing your life to be ruled by your past any longer.
To accomplish acceptance, that means going through the process of letting go. Letting go isn’t a magical formula. Instead, it means working on no longer allowing the terrible memories of the past rob you of living your best life today.
Ending Self-Criticism. One of the most common behaviors when you’re suffering from rejection trauma is becoming self-critical. You may engage in behaviors such as listing your faults, focusing on your shortcomings, and punishing yourself constantly. When you are then met with rejection at work or in love, you may employ a harsh and abusive inner dialogue, convincing yourself that you deserve rejection.
Ending self-abuse isn’t easy. But, to do so, you can list your good qualities. and remind yourself consistently that they are worthwhile. You do have good qualities, and do not deserve rejection.
Make Connections with Those Who Appreciate You. Living in rejection destabilizes our need to belong. It causes us feelings of unsettledness and restlessness after social or intimate rejection.
We need to form new connections to treat rejection. These people need not be related, but a family of choice made up of people who appreciate and care for us. We can greatly benefit from emotional support from a core group—people that share a similar interest that create a sense of community, or a friend or two that reminds us we are loved, wanted, and valued.
Restore Self-Worth. Using self-affirming exercises, such as reciting positive affirmations, is a great way to restore motivation, confidence, and self-esteem after a rejection. In using self-affirmations, we remind ourselves of our skills and abilities, plus our value.
First, make a list of your good qualities, and then write a brief few sentences about one of them. By writing a short essay about one of your strengths, you’ll remind yourself how valuable you ARE to revive your self-esteem.
Take Stock of Potential Changes. Sometimes we need to reassess our strategy if we have experienced rejection. We need to explore our behaviors to see if there is indeed a reason for the rejection we have experienced, such as not caring for our appearance.
When we find these shortcomings, we can begin changing what we can change (not the things we cannot change) and focus on trying again. Sometimes we bring on the rejection of others because we are too busy expecting rejection. We may isolate ourselves away from the very people who would love to form a lasting relationship with us.
At one time or another, we’ve all felt the sting of rejection and the feelings of grief, sadness, and shame that accompany it. This rejection sometimes occurs in childhood when we are rejected by our parents, siblings, or other children.
Research has concluded that the same part of the brain activated when we experience physical pain is also turned on by emotional pain. Indeed, the emotional pain of rejection has been shown, through further research, to be remembered more than physical pain. You pain is real, and you can heal.
Although it has ruined many lives, this type of rejection need not affect you forever. It takes some time, self-patience, and yes, self-love to overcome rejection trauma. It is my hope that this begins you on your healing journey.
If this resonated with you, and you feel you need assistance healing from rejection trauma, please don’t hesitate to reach out here. Please also share with anyone you feel could benefit.
Amy
Acknowledge and Recognize the Trauma.
Learn to Let Go and to Accept What Happened.
Ending Self-Criticism.
Make Connections with Those Who Appreciate You.
Restore Self-Worth.
Take Stock of Potential Changes.