No question, going through a divorce is a pretty big life transition. There’s things to separate, besides the relationship. There could be a custody battle. Depending on your situation, sometimes a divorce mediator is necessary, for your emotional and mental health. It can be a lot.
The movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith comes to mind. A bored married couple is surprised to learn that they are both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other. We know there are, unfortunately, domestic violence situations. Yet, that’s not what we’re addressing here.
If you are experiencing domestic violence, the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Here, we’re looking at the difficulties of adjusting after a divorce, or the end of a relationship, and coping with feelings as related to this adjustment. It certainly can feel like, or could be, relational trauma—an aftereffect of abuse, neglect and suffering. How do you make it through this rough transition? How do you find yourself again?
Have compassion for yourself. There’s not always a straight path to acceptance of a new situation. You may be experiencing emotions that are different than anyone else’s in the same situation. You may be finding it difficult to be there for others for a little while. You are going through a loss. You have a right to feel. You are human.
Take care of yourself. Can you take time to care for your mind, body, and brain? Does this mean doing something to decompress, starting or keeping up exercising and eating well, or taking time to get to know yourself and what you need?
The phone or computer app MeetUp can be helpful in finding like-minded individuals. You might find activities you’re interested in. Or, it may spark some ideas of your own if you don’t feel like “getting out there” quite yet.
Find support. Outside of seeking out divorce therapy, there are also divorce support groups both in-person and online. You may even find one through MeetUp. When choosing any kind of group therapy, you want to make sure that it is the right fit for you. Is the group, or people in your everyday life, helping you to move through and forward, or keeping you stuck?
Work on your identity. Are there parts that you lost within yourself that made you you? Do you have a purpose or passion that you lost sight of? Is there an activity that you once enjoyed that really fed your soul?
Make a bucket list. Make a list of things you wanted to do, but couldn't when you were married. Maybe you’ve already have some ideas of things or experiences you want in your life. Maybe you want to become a solo traveler, or backpack Europe. Maybe it’s just as simple as claiming a day for yourself to disconnect— in order to reconnect to yourself. Your list could become endless.
Know when you could benefit from therapy. If you find yourself self-medicating with alcohol or other substances, or if you start to notice your behaviors are becoming more distracting than healing, you might benefit from therapy. Are you having unprotected sex, sex with someone that does not bring you enjoyment, or disrespects your boundaries in order to fill a void? Are you losing yourself, as opposed to finding yourself again?
Is your life being affected in other areas? Are your emotions running high, making it difficult to focus? Is your work performance suffering? Do you find yourself isolating from others? Are you having self-loathing thoughts, or thoughts that you logically know are not really true about yourself?
Do you find that venting to others in your support system is not helping you to move forward, or affecting your relationships in a negative way? If so, it may be beneficial to seek out therapy with someone that can help you move through your emotions and offer the support you’re seeking. You’re worth it.
I hope this was helpful in finding ways to begin healing and rediscovering yourself. If you’ve been struggling to adjust, please don’t hesitate to reach out here. If this article was helpful to you, please also don’t hesitate to share with someone else you feel could benefit.
Amy
1. Have compassion for yourself.
2. Take care of yourself.
3. Find support.
4. Work on your identity.
5. Make a bucket list.
6. Know when you could benefit from therapy.