Trauma that we’ve experienced can sit with us for a long time. The feelings of fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, low self worth, paranoia, feeling judged, excluded, embarrassed, or a variety of emotions that came along with us as symptoms of trauma are things we can be reminded of at any given moment. Research shows that adults who were bullied as a child are at an increased risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
Anything someone says or does can affect us, taking us right back to what originally bothered us. It’s nothing we can simply turn off like a light switch. It’s something to be worked through after what we’ve been through. But, we don’t have to continue to hold onto it.
Beforehand, I probably would’ve used the teen movie Mean Girls as a good example. Unfortunately, we know how many school shootings there have been. Oftentimes, this is due to the shooter being bullied. This needs to stop where it starts.
If you or someone you know is being bullied, please make use of these resources below.
STOP BULLYING NOW HOTLINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255
Helpline set up by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Available 24/7
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
There is great concern about the youth mental health crisis in the US and beyond. While there is serious worry about rising rates of an epidemic of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, aggression, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation, few discuss bullying and abuse as correlated causes, and few speak about the harm done to the brain by bullying and abuse. — Dr. Jennifer Fraser
Dr. Fraser also states, We tend to think that younger children are more sensitive, but from a brain perspective, it’s actually the adolescent brain (13 to 25) that is most at risk from this kind of physical and verbal aggression.
What can we do to recover from past actions that are continuing to affect us, and the ways that we now may be interacting, reacting, and responding differently than before we were traumatized?
Acknowledge the past and reclaim control. At the time, you probably felt powerless and helpless. You’re now noticing that it is continuing into your adulthood. Begin noticing your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Notice how these things are being replayed. You can choose healthier thoughts. You do have a choice on how you live your life now, no matter what may have influenced it.
Know your value and worth. Bullying often causes people to lose confidence and self-esteem, because it is packed with lies about your worth as a person. Begin to shift your focus on learning to be YOU again. To get started, write down your positive characteristics—focusing on the positive things that you DO have going on for you, and reject any messages attached to the words the bullies fed you.
Avoid isolating. A large part of recovering from bullying is maintaining contact with those that are supportive. Many times, “victims” of bullying isolate themselves and try to deal with the consequences of bullying on their own. The key is that you do not go through the healing process alone.
I’ll always recommend seeking out trauma therapy to work through any associated emotions, and work towards healing and finding resolve—so you’re able to move forward—feeling more at ease with yourself.
I’ll also always recommend talking to your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing. Remember, bullying affects more than just your mood and self-esteem. It also can have a serious impact on your health. Take steps to take care of yourself.
Focus on your own personal growth. Identify areas where you need to grow or heal. For example, do you need to build your self-esteem, or become more assertive? Likewise, you also may benefit from learning to set boundaries, taking a self-defense class, or joining a health club. Make a list of areas where you want to improve or change.
Focus on joy. Many times, when we are trying to heal from childhood bullying, we ruminate about what we experienced or became obsessed with, in order to not experience that pain again. What things make you happy? What things bring joy to your life?
When you can stop focusing your time and energy on your past pain, you can focus on your current recovery. It is not helpful or healthy to think about the pain, and what you endured, all the time. A good practice is to set aside specific times to deal with the issues, not allowing it to consume you.
Focus on closure. An essential part of your recovery is to move beyond what has happened to you. While you need to acknowledge how bullying impacted you, you also need to detach from it at some point. The bullying you experienced does not define who you are. You can re-discover yourself. The work we need to do is on closing that door to the past.
It can be healing to write a letter (that you don’t mail) to the bullies. It can help you to start finding closure on what happened. This can allow you to express your pain and your anger that you were unable to express when you were younger.
Be patient with yourself. Childhood bullying leaves deep scars. Recovering is not a quick process, especially if you did not deal with the bullying when it occurred. As a result, you likely have a number of muddled perceptions and unhelpful habits to realize, and to break.
Celebrate your progress. Celebrate your progress no matter how big or small. Allow yourself the space to heal. Your changes may be small and slow, but they are still changes. One day you will wake up and see a new person looking back at you in the mirror. I do.
I hope this was helpful in finding ways to begin healing and rediscovering yourself. If you’ve been struggling to heal from bullying, please don’t hesitate to reach out here. If this article was helpful to you, Please also don’t hesitate to share with someone else you feel could benefit.
Amy
1. Acknowledge the past and reclaim control.
2. Know your value and worth.
3. Avoid isolating.
4. Focus on your own personal growth.
5. Focus on joy.
6. Focus on closure.
7. Be patient with yourself.
8. Celebrate your progress.